And the world just keep shitting on me.

Today I went and talked to my academic advisor and she tells me that I will not be graduating in the summer. So lucky me I will have to come back to this place in the fall to take a tennis and a racquetball class. I will have to come back for a fucking tennis and a fucking racquetball class.

I thought that I had covered my ass from the classes that I failed last term, and it turns out that I did. My stupid advisor is the one who fucked up. She has been counting some classes that I dropped in my freshman and sophmore years. So I'm lacking two classes, any two classes, hence the racquetball and tennis. I was looking forward to going home to Dallas and not looking back at this shit hole in Louisiana anymore, but I'll be back again for a damn tennis and racquetball class.

I could have sworn that after last term I had all my loose ends tied up. I reformed myself, got back on track (until I got sick). And to my own credit, last term was my only and most disasterous term. Out of 4 years, one bad break. I feel like thats haunting me. I thought I had got away with it; I didn't have to tell my parents and I didn't get put on academic probation ... I thought I got off free.

I should know better, that kind of stuff never happens for me. I always end up busting my ass and finishing behind someone else. This has to be the story of my life, 2nd place loser. Even in high school when I was an all A student, it still wasn't enough to be the best. My best wasn't as good as the next person's. I just feel like whatever I do I come up short. Sometimes I look at my brother and think wow, his life is a cakewalk. He has it made. He works until he gets tired, then he'll quit that job. Then he gets thrown out of his apartment, but thats okay because he just comes back home. He hangs out all the time and sleeps all day, until finally one day he decides that he wants to grow up for 6 months. Then he'll get a job and the cycle will repeat.

Me I sacrificed my own happiness to try and please others and it comes back to bite me in the ass. I've been stuck in this place trying to make my parents happy and now it appears that I may never get out. I was going through (and probably still am) the worst depression of my life and my parents would never cut me any slack like they do my brother. I don't know if its because they don't care or they want to pretend that everything is always so damn picture perfect.

I'm so frustrated because I don't know what I am going to do. Quite honestly, I feel like laying down on the railroad tracks and wait for a train to come and run me over (don't worry I won't).

I can just hear my dad saying "well, how much is it gonna cost now."

Quite honestly, I feel like pulling my hair out one strand at a time.

~Jen