I was just thinking, have you ever wanted to just lift your head off of your shoulders, so that you could just chill the hell out?

Everyone is breathing down my back right now and I honestly wish that people could just get off my ass for like 10 seconds. My world is swirling around like a tornado right now and I feel like I'm at the breaking point.

I was sick all last week and eventhough I made it to class, I still have a shitload of work to catch up on. I have a 20-30 page paper due on Wednesday that is a monster. I am having trouble getting all the classes that I need to take this summer to graduate. I am panicked that when I go to register to graduate that the dean is going to laugh in my face. I just bombed a geology test with a 37 (oh, I forgot my 5 bonus points, so with a 42). And this is just my school life.

My family life is at the worst I think I have ever seen it.

My uncle who had been sick for the past few months died last week. He was getting better and then he just died. I had sent him a card and my mom told me that he was so happy that about it. I was planning on seeing him when I finished up my spring term in school. Whats worse is that I don't even know if I can make it to the funeral Tuesday because I have that stupid paper due on Wednesday.

The tension between my parents is really making things weird for everyone. I almost feel like I have to be on a side. My parents have been unhappy for sometime, actually for a very long time. Now it has become more apparent. They don't talk. They don't go anywhere anymore. They talk about the other one (mostly to me). They are acting like kids. Unfortunately, I'm the one stuck in the middle because I guess my sister and brother just don't give a fuck; not that I necessarily want them to be unhappy together, I just want this whole tension and weirdness to stop. My dad is hardly ever around anymore and my mom could care less. My mom has even dreamed up this idea that when I get out of school we can get us a place together. This sucks for two reasons:(1) I was planning on living at home for the free rent and (2) ewwww ... that doesn't quite fit in my social agenda. At home my room is at the other end of my house, way far from my parents room. I eventually want to find me a guy and who wants to invite a guy over with mom sleeping in the next room?

Things are just shitty. When things get bad with them I always have to jump in and do something. I used to be able to win science fairs and spelling bees and shit to smooth stuff over, but these days I can barely (and I mean barely) keep my head above water. I just can't deal with my parents bullshit right now. Atleast not until I graduate.

Then theres my sister. She has "issues" right now or so she says, so she's not really talking to anyone right now. My mom said that someone at their church asked if she was gaining weight. I'm sure she's down about that so she's probably starving herself.

Which brings me to my own bullshit. I had some friends a while back who said that I have an eating disorder. I'm beginning to think they are right. I'm willing to admit that I am obsessed with food. I've lost about 8 pounds since I've been sick and my friends have been telling me how good I look. So I've been thinking, what if I don't put those 8 pounds back on. I know its crazy and so am I, but even without losing the 8 pounds, I still had issues with food. Not that I don't eat, but just recently I have become so restrictive in what I eat. Maybe its all the stress. And with all that is going on right now I can't eat.

And then on top of all of this, my brother is ..... I don't know what he's doing. He got fired from his job and kicked out of his girlfriend's mom's house. So he has moved back home. As usual nobody has said a word. I gurantee if it were me that of course I would be able to move back in, but my parents would definately want to know why and for how long. My brother, well he gets to lay around all day and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe he should go to college. Oh no thats right, he didn't want to. Me, when I wanted to delay it a year to find out what I really wanted to do, my parents jumped down my back so much that I basically picked a school out of a hat to come to and make them happy.

I guess I should pat myself on the back because I did a hell of a job. I made a promise to myself, that if the Lord would allow me to get out of college, that when I go home I am going to a real (not a counselor like they have at my school) psychiatrist. I probably need more help than I can afford.

Its times like these when I need Mr. Big aka Shane, he always had something funny on his blog to make me laugh.

~Jen