I wish I could just be normal. Normal to a point where I could function on a daily basis without so much doubt and so much pressure to be something I don't want to be. I feel so constrained by something and what it is I don't even know.

I'm so up and down. More down than up. For instance today I was walking to my car in the rain, and for some reason I just started crying. I got to my car, sat in the driver's seat and began to bawl my eyes out. For no apparent reason. I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. Something was just too much for me to handle... what it is I just don't know.

It's not like my life is that bad. I'm not hurting for money or anything, I'm in college; I can't figure out what is wrong. I've tried and I can't.

And yesterday for no apparent reason I quit my job. I quit because I didn't feel like working yesterday. Who does that? What sane person with bills quits their job without a another one?

I swear I am so fucked up. I feel like I'm inside my own head too much, that I think about what the fuck is wrong with me too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like making this shit up in my own head. Maybe I'm not all fucked up ... maybe I'm just ... I don't know.

All across the board I'm outta control. I can hardly pay attention to anything, I'm spending out of control, and now I'm exercising like a mad woman (at least 3-4 times a day) because it makes me feel good.

Sometimes I just don't know ..................

~Jen