What up everyone. I am so frustrated right now I don't know what to do. Tonight I thought I was thisclose to getting some action. As usuual things turned quite different.

This afternoon Brad and I went and played tennis again. And given my recent desire to have sex, I was flirting my ass off. It seemed to be working. After we finished tennis B (aka Brad) asked me out to dinner.
This happens to be somewhat of a big deal seeing as how we had to drive about 45 minutes to a decent restaurant.

At dinner, I resume my flirting tactics. And again all seemed to be going well.

After dinner, B came to my apartment and I made some drinks. We started talking music and school and stuff. In typical fashion, me and B end up making out. YEA !!!!!!!!!! (Okay maybe not so much, Brad isn't much of a kisser, but I was happy for the physical contact).

Even with the sloppy kissing, I'm thinking okay maybe I'm about to get laid. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then Brad pulls away and wants to "dicuss the status of our relationship", clearly I could care less. I figured that we could entertain the topic for a few minutes and then return back to the kissing.

The conversation actually ended up with him telling me information about his ex, that I REALLY could have done without. I had to tell Brad that I don't want to get into a relationship with him. Basically, this was the conversation I had hoped to have (really not at all) in the morning, AFTER I HAD GOTTEN LAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We ended up watching Chappelle show on DVD. He just left. I'm so pathetic. Since I'm so pathetic I think I'll see how many days I can go without sex. Let me do a little math and see how many days its been.

To date, the number of days without sex: 221

Oh gosh ........ thats a long time. A VERY LONG TIME. I should take out an ad in the paper. Wanted. HIV negative and STD free male needed to help young college girl remember what sex actually feels like. Ages 20-40. Must use condoms. Will pay if necessary. Need proof of disease free status.

Whats funny is that at this point I am that desperate. Except for the paying part ... I'd never pay for sex.

~Jen

Oh my goodness I'm so bored right now. I should really take a nap, but as usual I'm having trouble going to sleep. Insomnia is a bitch.

I can't even think of something meaningless to blog about. Let's see. I just got inspired by my ipod.

The song from Flashdance just came on, What a Feeling by Irene Cara. This used to be one of my favorite movies and by the way I hated that remake that J-Lo did in that video.

This song and one by Prince called Baby I'm A Star (its on the Purple Rain soundtrack) used to be my inspiration songs. I used to wake up tp them in the morning. They remind me of times when I actually used to dance. Growing up I wanted to be a dancer. All I wanted to do was dance. I did dance for a very long time though. When I was 16, I started having really bad problems with my ankles and feet. And then I played other sports and stuff, I really didn't have the time to rehab and still be committed to dance and everything else I was involved in.

I wish that I would have let some of the other things that I was involved in go, so that I could have done the rehab necessary to continue dancing. Don't get me wrong I'm not crippled or anything, but I let so injuries nag for too long and they turned out to be kind of serious. By the time I was 16, I had to have surgery and then after that I was being so impatient that I didn't let myself heal properly and I did too much too soon. I should have let myself heal.

By the time I had healed well enough were I felt I could dance atleast 85% I was 18 and being young and dumb, I just didn't commit myself to getting back into dance shape.

I really miss dance though, been thinking about getting back into it. I don't know if I am disciplined enough to do it. You really have to build up your flexibility and eat right, its so consuming but its also worth it. And before my only excuse was the injuries and now with all that I have going on with school, I can see the excuses already mounting up.

When I hear these songs they make me think about dance. About being a kid and loving to dance. For me dancing and running make me feel free. Its only about you. You can't hear anything. You get lost in the moment. You can do anything. When you finish, you feel like you have accomplished something.

" What a feeling/ Is believing/ I can have it all now I'm dancing for my life/ Take your passion/ And make it happen/ Pictures come alive you can dance right through your life." - What a Feeling

Can't you tell I'm a child of the 80's.

KEEP DANCING EVERYBODY

~Jen

Whats up everyone. Seeing as how I cannot have another quarter of school like the one I had previously, I have committed to going to class and doing my homework no matter how boring and stupid the shit may be.

While doing the assigned reading for my class called Developing Nations, I found some not so fun statistics. Prepare to get enlightened.

1.)United States makes up less than 5% of the world population.

2.) Violent conflict prevails in 21 different locales in the world and involves millions of people. Because of these conflicts, there are 35 million refugees displaced from their homelands.

3.) Sudan and Afghanistanare principle sources of refugees ( about 4.5 million each) with Palestinians coming in after that with about 4 million refugees.

4.) 2.3 billion people live in inadequate rural areas.

5.)In India less than 10% of the population has toilets.

6.) In China there are only 4.5 telephone lines per 100 people, compared to 60 lines per 100 people in the U.S.

7.)It took 2 million years for the world's population to reach 1 billion and only 100 years to reach the 2 billion mark. Today the world's population exceeds 6 billion people, with about 90 to 100 million people being added each year.

8.)The number of people with HIV and AIDS is estimated to be 60 million with the largest number living in Sub-Saharan Africa and Asia.

9.) Over half of the world's population survives on an annual per capita income of $800 U.S. dollars. The per capita income in the U.S. is $36,200.

10.) 1.1 billion people, 1/5 of the world's population, have annual incomes less than $370.

11.) In Haiti, over 40% of the population is under age 15, about 65% illiterate, and life expectancy is only 48 years. In the U.S. the population is 97% literate and life expectancy is 77 years.

12.) Africa's share of the worlds poor has increased fron 16% to 32% in the last decade.

13.) Over 43% of the population south of the Sahara lived in poverty in 2000.

And just so I don't plagarize, all of this came from the book The Other World: Issues and Politics of the Developing World.

These are very depressing facts. As a society of human beings, regardless of our races, religious beliefs, geographic locations, traditions, and social classes WE MUST DO BETTER.

~ Jen

I have to thank Mr. Warlock for this one.

Last year for no particular reason at all I went to a strip club with my sister and her friends. And to be clear about things, they were male strippers. As a heterosexual female, I figured that I would enjoy this experience. The truth is that after that experience I will never step foot into a strip club again.

To start with, it wasn't even in a real club. It was at a place that you could rent out for parties, something like a banquet hall only smaller. Way smaller ... cracker jack size even. I was relieved to see no poles in sight.

To be honest I really had no business going. I'm not the biggest fan of the penis. I mean I am, but I don't want to look at one. I like it in action but not its esthetic qualities. Sorry guys.

Anwhoo, we get inside and start kicking back a few drinks and all is good. Then the first stripper comes out and I was immediately disgusted. I had never seen a man in a thong. And he was up there bouncing and shaking and other stuff I won't even mention. After the guys would strip they would basically walk around with all their business hanging out looking for girls to give them tips.

The lady sitting next to me would not stop buying lap dances, so I pretty much saw every dancer up close and personal. Way too personal.

My sister and her friends thought it would be fun if they bought me a dance, since after paying to get in and being repulsed I refused to tip any of the guys. So they whispered something to this dancer and next thing I know, he comes up behind me and kisses me on the neck. Then he goes around the side of me, throws his leg over me, and starts grinding all on me. I was in sheer horror. Completely terrified.

It gets even worse, he gets up and then pulls my legs up and then flips me over and ..... I won't even tell you the rest. You can imagine for yourselves ( or not).

I felt so violated. I felt even more embarrassed. I mean my older sister was watching me basically get ... I can't even say it. I don't believe in casual sex or relations, so going to the strip club was definately out of my league. Even as much as I like guys and sex, this was too much for me.

Then to make matters worse, the police came and ran us out of the joint at 2 am like we were making deals in a crack house. I left there totally disgusted and with a wicked headache. As much as I like men, watching that bunch dance made me lose respect for them.

I don't want to be too harsh, but honestly is that the best they could do for a living? Sure, its quick bucks but at what cost. Dancing and grinding with all of your manhood hanging out can't be that dignifying. I don't know what circumstances that made this guys become strippers, but many of them were very cute. If they had worked at McDonalds or something I would have st least flirted with them, but at that strip joint I wouldn't even shake hands with one of them.

Enough of that. I went to class today and all went well. I'm excited a little bit. I'll see how tomorrow goes.

Peace and hair grease.

~Jen

Its been a long time and I shouldn't have left you without some dope beats to step to ......

I'm trippin. I know its been a while so let me catch you up on what I have been doing.

Since my last post I have lost that dreaded five pounds. I feel better just knowing that my number has decreased and I vow not to weigh myself for a very long time.

My mom keeps hounding me about my grades, but I keep avoiding it. She is expecting an email from me this week with my grades. I think my computer is starting to shut down ......

Anywhoo, I am back at school now. This quarter I hope that my experience is a little less detrimental to my sanity. I was looking at some of my old posts and I didn't even recognize myself. I can't ever remember being that broken down or being that disheartened. I was just a really sad girl. I'm much better happier.

While I was at home, I did manage to tell my mother that I don't want to be a lawyer. She seemed okay with that. However, I could tell that she was dismayed when I told her that I wanted to be a make up artist.
Honestly, make up (besides sports) is something that I actually love. Even on my worst day, I still have some form of make up on. And doing make up is something that I'm actually good at. I kind of eased my mom into the idea by telling her that since I am a pretty decent writer (not that you can tell that by the garbage that I post here), I am going to try and maybe intern with a magazine or something as a beauty editor. There are a couple of local prospects ... so things are looking up!

Also while at home I had the awkward run in with the ex-boyfriend. He had called and wanted to meet, but I told him that I was going out of town to visit some family. Saturday night, my girls and I go out and while we were sitting at the bar waiting for our table guess who taps me on my shoulder. You already know who it was.

It was just weird though. I didn't really want to see him. I probably should have just told him that on the phone, but I was just enjoying my time at home and I thought by telling him a little fib I would save myself a very unnecessary argument. We briefly spoke at the restaurant and that was it. I figured that he would be blowing up my phone after that, but he didn't. And thank goodness he didn't. I think he finally realizes that the book is closed.

Today when I got back I played tennis with Brad. We had an awesome time. I am very sore though. I am starting to get the itch with him. Now I'm in dilemma mode. I don't know if I like him as more than a friend, but I want to have sex with him.

The sex thing is just because I haven't had any in a very long time. In my past experience sex on the casual level isn't for me. I'm not the kinda girl who can sleep with a guy and not care if she sees him again. I don't want to sleep with him and not have real sincere feelings for him. But the dry spell has got to come to an end. I need some male attention.

Thats about it. Oh wait. I was sad to hear that Kirby Puckett died the other day. My first boyfriend in the fourth grade was a big fan of his. That made me think about back in the day .. how things were so different... how things were so innocent. I better stop because I could go on forever.

Wish me luck ... got class tomorrow.
Happy Hump Day to All (literally ... I have got to get sex off the brain)!!!!!!!

~Jen