I had an awesome day. This morning I went running on the bad foot and all. It hurt like hell but it was well worth it. There's nothing like a run at sunrise, its like accomplishing something before the day even begins. Went and got some hot donuts and good coffee, that just made my day.

This afternoon my friend had a barbeque at his house. It fun to be around some people that I had not seen in a while. The food was awesome and the company was great, not to mention the free beer. YEA!!!

So we were sitting around talking about useless stuff. Sports, President Bush, music, and Lifetime movies. Somebody asks the question who is your celebrity crush. There were the usual suspects. Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Will Smith, you know Hollywood's finest. So finally its my turn and I tell everyone that my crush is Anderson Cooper. I got the strangest looks. Everyone had an opinion.

"The CNN guy?"

"He's kinda pale Jen."

"I thought he was gay."

"I bet he doesn't like sports."

All of my friends were surprised that I said Anderson Cooper. They were expecting some basketball player. It was funny because on everyone elses crush everyone was in agreement, but mine was met with speculation. The only support I got was "well he has nice eyes."

I like AC. He is cute. Its like smarty pants cute ( I rebuke the word nerd). I like that he talks about stories that affect the lives of many people around the world. He does good work and I like that.

Now everyone is teasing me because I like AC. Its okay. It provided a laugh for everyone. My crush is totally justified. Its not like I googled him or anything. Okay I did, but only once I promise.

Hope the swelling goes down in my foot so I can go running tomorrow. Hope my Sunday and yours goes as great as my Saturday.

~Mr. Big's Blog Bitch (formerly known as Jen)

I just finshed watching the Mavericks play Golden State. Again Dirk put on an MVP performance. The Mavs had made a brilliant comeback and were about to ride off into the sunset (or moonlight I guess) with yet another victory. Jason Richardson, of Golden State, makes a three in the matter of seconds. Game over. Mavs lose 122-121. Son of a bitch. And if Texas doesn't get it act together against West Virginia, heartbreak will spread throughout the state. Hell of a night of basketball.

I found out today that one of my good friends has been talking shit about me. Shannon told some of our other friends that my foot is broken because the calcium levels in my bones are low because I have an eating disorder. As you can imagine, most of my friends were concerned about me. I am very displeased that I have spent the week disspelling rumours that I have an eating disorder.

To get things straight I don't have an eating disorder or a broken foot. The foot is sprained and is heavily wrapped, but it is not broken.

I've known Shan for a very long time, since junior high. After I had been in college for two years, she came to this university. So naturally she became friends with the people that I knew. All was cool. Before I left to go to college, I was a bit heavier. Not fat, but heavier. When I came to school, I started working out regularly and lost weight. I grew my hair out longer, I look different than I did in high school. I feel much better though.

Shan seemed pleased with my changes. But since I lost weight, she seems desperate to lose weight as well. She is quite heavy but I always tell her to focus on her health and not being "skinny". So to hear that she was bad mouthing me pissed me off. Especially during the rough time I'm having.

These days things have been stressful and I have not been eating. In the two weeks I've been very busy. This week alone has been a roller coaster. I had to finish my writing sample, stay up on my school work, and write a paper. I sprained my foot and found out that my uncle is in the hospital because he has been having minor strokes because he has a tumor on his brain. Excuse me if I've been stressed the hell out and not felt like eating. I'm not starving or anything but ya'll know how it is when you have a lot of shit going on.

With all that you can see why I'm so pissed at Shan. Then its like she broke down my personality where people are looking at me maybe she does have a problem. Shan told them that I always drink water instead of sodas because its so I can always be full. Who gets full off of water? I drink a lot of water for my skin and I didn't grow up drinking a lot of soda. Shan told them that I used to get smashed all the time at home but I don't here because I think it will make me fat. I did used to get smashed at home and I did not get fat. I have grown up and decided that I actually like my liver and decided to cut down on drinking to save my life.

I hate this shit. Now I feel like everyone is watching me to see if I'm gonna eat or not. At lunch today I had a chicken salad and I didn't eat all of it, I was full. But all the looks at that table could have killed. What am I supposed to do? I know I'm pretty thin but I'm happy. I'm 5'10 130 pounds its not as if I'm a rail. Even when I was heavier I was still thin, I just wasn't toned. My family is thin. My mom is 6 ft and about 155 pounds. I'm thin but I look better than I did before because I'm more toned. Now I pay attention to my health.

I hate to think that Shan is jealous or something, but I what am I supposed to think. She has never been supportive of my new found health. She won't come and work out with me. She won't let me help her, so she's breaking me down.

This is just one more thing that I don't want to deal with right now.

By the way, Texas just won in the same fashion that Golden State did over the Mavericks. Hopefully all is well in Texas. Grief just bestowed to the Metroplex and me in Louisiana.

Thats all for now guys. Good night.

~Mr. Big's Blog Bitch (formerly known as Jen)

So I was watching the Mavericks and Houston play and it occurred to me that Dirk Nowitzki should be the MVP of the NBA this year. I don't want to get into the actual numbers of it, but he should be the MVP.

TNT put up this list of people who should be at least mentioned for MVP. Here's what I thought.

1.)Lebron James- Inconsistant. It looks like the Cavs are gonna make it to the playoffs, but his team as a whole has been inconsistant. Hate to penalize the guy because of his team, but oh well.

2.)Kobe Bryant- Had to go vomit first. Are you kidding me? So what he may be the closest (and by that I mean light years) thing to (dare I say) MJ, but c'mon that guy is the epitomy of SELF and not team. He is (lest we forget) on a losing team. If they had an award for a one man show, I'd recommend him in a minute.

3.) Dwyane Wade- I like D-Wade. He is awesome. As long as Shaq is in town though, I don't think that D-Wade is gonna get the respect he should get in order to get the MVP. It will always be the Shaq and D-Wade show. I could live with D-Wade as MVP.

4.)Dirk Nowitzki- YES!!!!! MVP !!!!!! So I was thinking about the Mavs and Dirk really carries this team. He has stepped up in so many ways. Defense is pretty and have you seen the way he punishes those small guys on the blocks. He can step out and shoot the three, take it inside. The guy is just awesome. Of course, I'm biased but so what. Dirk is my MVP. If the Mavericks don't have Dirk ... its a sad day in Dallas. He makes the team operate = MVP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5.) Steve Nash- Obvious choice. So what Amare is out and they are still winning. The only reason I don't like Nash for MVP is because he isn't the real MVP on that team, Shawn Marion is. Marion doesn't get the respect that he should. To me with all that he does, he is the real MVP. Or at least co-MVP, Nash isn't as effective without Marion. I could live with Nash as MVP though. Definately love to see Marion get it.

I'm still trying to decide what actually makes an MVP. What makes an MVP? Most Valuable Player.

I think it has to be someone who puts up consistant numbers, that helps the team win games. Someone who is so valuable to the team that without that person the dynamic of the team drastically changes; like the they are the difference between winning and losing. Someone who contributes to the team goals and not just their own personal agenda. I hate to say this but I think if your on a losing team, you are out of the running.

Alright guys enough sports talk for now.

~Mr. Big's Blog Bitch (formerly known as Jen)

Wow ... in the ads above my blog there is an ad fot alien cow abduction. How random!!!

Whats new guys? I sprained my foot. Ouch, but I'll live. I've had numerous sprained ankles and surgeries so this (though painful) is quite minor. Freak accident while studying. With the injury though, I can't go to the gym. Very Very sad face. Normally I use my time at the gym to keep from thinking. To just blow off some steam. Now since I'm crippled I have to think about stuff.

Out of nowhere today I recalled something that I had encountered this summer. My exboyfriend Maurice (aka Mo). I saw him this summer. He was the first guy that I had a relationship with. The first guy that I invited to my house, etc, etc, etc. I really did love him. That first love type love. The shit you never forget no matter how bad it gets. He was 2 years older than me. We were together for 2 years. Most of our time was great together. His brother died and he became mean to me. I knew he was just upset, but I never seemed to be able to help him. He became very mean to me. Our relationship finally ended when we got into a fight over something silly and he choked me. He choked me and I fought him back and then me and him are going at each other fist to fist. It was nasty. It was also sad. I knew that things were over then. How could I go back to that?

I hadn't talked to him since then. At first I was really mad, but then I just kinda forgave him. He made a bad choice. I saw him this summer at the grocery store. He looked very good. He looked happy, not angry like he looked during the last days of our relationship.

He had his son with him, who looks just like him. When I looked at him and his son, I thought here is the life I used to dream of. We used to talk about having kids. Then I saw his wife and for a minute I felt jealous like that bitch had my life. But she didn't, she had her life. I had made a decision.

I made a choice to not let a man put his hands on me ever.

This whole scenario made me think about choices.

Our lives are controlled by the choices, good and bad, that we make. I started to think about choices the choices I made. Most have been pretty good and not detrimental to anyone but myself. Then I started to think about all of the ones I would re-do. All the bad choices have hurt me and no one else, so who was I really protecting by making that choice? So I compiled this list of choices that I made that I would definately re-do:

1.) College- I definately would have gone somewhere else and picked something that I wanted to study. Who is this decision benefitting? Nobody really, I'm unhappy and what good will I do anyone if I'm unhappy.

2.) Drugs- I wasn't an addict or anything but I did experiment with some pretty heavy stuff. Nothing ever happened but as I look back at it something could have and probably should have. Too big of a risk.

3.) Friends- Mainly those that I did number drugs with. They were just toxic ( and maybe I was too).

4.)Dance- I regret never getiing back into dance after my injury.

5.)Jeff- Probably my most costly mistake. The ulimate good guy that I let slip through my hands. I was with Mo and so caught up in that bullshit that I couldn't see what was really real. Jeff was the shoulder I leaned on, cried on. He begged me to leave Mo, but I was weak and couldn't. He moved on to this girl, who just strung him along and it was hard for me to watch. If I could have made a choice sooner maybe things would be different. We still talk now, but not much. I am honestly greatful that we talk. I miss him a lot. I miss things how they used to be when we were close to each other. I'm happy to see that he has this whole new fantastic life that I don't fit into. I'm sad to see that he has this whole new fantastic life that I don't fit into.

Wouldn't it be great if we could turn back the hands of time.

This is why I go to the gym ... so I don't have to think about these things. I hope my foot heals fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Mr. Big's Blog Bitch (formerly known as Jen)

So yesterday went off without a hitch. Besides the fact that our outdoor shots had rain instead of sunshine, everything went well. Everyone showed up, good laughs, good times, and hopefully this all translates to great pictures.

I was quite tired after yesterday. We shot all day ... literally. I came home and crashed. Normally, I don't have dreams but last night I had one of the most vivid and clear dreams I have ever had.

I dreamed that I owned this store. A boutique that sold women's clothing. Not that old grandma stuff, but cool funs stuff. I could see couches and jeans folded against the walls. Bright colors. There was a dj spinning tunes. Everything was neat and the place was full of (not crowded) with women. All kinds of women. White, black, asian, hispanic, latina, short, tall, skinny, plus size.

The thing was that they were all happy. Like they were enjoying themselves. They were all trying on clothes and finding stuff they liked and they were so happy.

Then I see myself. I'm running this shop ... you know helping customers and restocking items. But I was so happy. Happy like excited. Like uncontained happiness. Like I loved what I was doing. I can remember seeing myself so happy in my dream. I just radiated happiness.

I woke up this morning feeling like does this dream mean something? Is this what I am supposed to do? Then I started thinking how cool would it be to have a place where women could come and shop, find things that they like, and feel good about themselves. Most places where I shop, its crowded and loud, no one's helping you ... you're just out there in that jungle fending for yourself trying to find something that you at least halfway like. My place in the dream wasn't like that. It was pleasant.

All day I've been thinking about this dream. Is this like God sending me some kind of message? I could see this place so clearly ... it was like I was there. I was there. I could feel my own happiness in the dream.

Today I thought logically is this a possibility? Right now of course its not. I don't have the money to open a store. I'm sure I'd need investors. I'd have to find a location. I'd need help. I'd have to get merchandise. I'm sure you need insurance. I'm sure there are a million more things that I'd have to do. But if I could feel like I did in that dream and if I could make other women that excited about finding clothes ... it seems like something worth doing. Seems like a lofty future goal.

On the otherhand, was this just a dream? Maybe I felt so good about the shoot that my dream was just an extention of that.

Who knows?

Sweet Dreams

~Mr. Big's Blog Bitch (formerly known as Jen)