Okay guys, so I'm not dead yet .... but I am pretty close. Okay maybe not really but kinda sort of.

School is finally out and I start summer school in June. But now more than ever, after finding out that I will not graduate this summer I could really give two shits about school.

I've been moving so thats why I haven't been able to post. I'm in Dallas now, but I probably won't be able to post regularly until I get back to school.

Nothing exciting has happened ... mostly everything has been fucked up, so much so that I am used to it.

One good thing: An ex from way back was in town for 2 days, and somehow, we accidentally had sex. The really great kind. It sort of sucks though because outside of the sex I really can't stand this guy. He's such an asshole. But he is good looking and fucks great. He would be perfect if he were a mute.

It was a onetime thing; I totally regret it now. I had a one night stand ..... gross. But then again, so is everything else in my life right now.

The Mavericks lost tonight and I'm super pissed off ... I'm going to bed.

~Jen

And the world just keep shitting on me.

Today I went and talked to my academic advisor and she tells me that I will not be graduating in the summer. So lucky me I will have to come back to this place in the fall to take a tennis and a racquetball class. I will have to come back for a fucking tennis and a fucking racquetball class.

I thought that I had covered my ass from the classes that I failed last term, and it turns out that I did. My stupid advisor is the one who fucked up. She has been counting some classes that I dropped in my freshman and sophmore years. So I'm lacking two classes, any two classes, hence the racquetball and tennis. I was looking forward to going home to Dallas and not looking back at this shit hole in Louisiana anymore, but I'll be back again for a damn tennis and racquetball class.

I could have sworn that after last term I had all my loose ends tied up. I reformed myself, got back on track (until I got sick). And to my own credit, last term was my only and most disasterous term. Out of 4 years, one bad break. I feel like thats haunting me. I thought I had got away with it; I didn't have to tell my parents and I didn't get put on academic probation ... I thought I got off free.

I should know better, that kind of stuff never happens for me. I always end up busting my ass and finishing behind someone else. This has to be the story of my life, 2nd place loser. Even in high school when I was an all A student, it still wasn't enough to be the best. My best wasn't as good as the next person's. I just feel like whatever I do I come up short. Sometimes I look at my brother and think wow, his life is a cakewalk. He has it made. He works until he gets tired, then he'll quit that job. Then he gets thrown out of his apartment, but thats okay because he just comes back home. He hangs out all the time and sleeps all day, until finally one day he decides that he wants to grow up for 6 months. Then he'll get a job and the cycle will repeat.

Me I sacrificed my own happiness to try and please others and it comes back to bite me in the ass. I've been stuck in this place trying to make my parents happy and now it appears that I may never get out. I was going through (and probably still am) the worst depression of my life and my parents would never cut me any slack like they do my brother. I don't know if its because they don't care or they want to pretend that everything is always so damn picture perfect.

I'm so frustrated because I don't know what I am going to do. Quite honestly, I feel like laying down on the railroad tracks and wait for a train to come and run me over (don't worry I won't).

I can just hear my dad saying "well, how much is it gonna cost now."

Quite honestly, I feel like pulling my hair out one strand at a time.

~Jen

I was just thinking, have you ever wanted to just lift your head off of your shoulders, so that you could just chill the hell out?

Everyone is breathing down my back right now and I honestly wish that people could just get off my ass for like 10 seconds. My world is swirling around like a tornado right now and I feel like I'm at the breaking point.

I was sick all last week and eventhough I made it to class, I still have a shitload of work to catch up on. I have a 20-30 page paper due on Wednesday that is a monster. I am having trouble getting all the classes that I need to take this summer to graduate. I am panicked that when I go to register to graduate that the dean is going to laugh in my face. I just bombed a geology test with a 37 (oh, I forgot my 5 bonus points, so with a 42). And this is just my school life.

My family life is at the worst I think I have ever seen it.

My uncle who had been sick for the past few months died last week. He was getting better and then he just died. I had sent him a card and my mom told me that he was so happy that about it. I was planning on seeing him when I finished up my spring term in school. Whats worse is that I don't even know if I can make it to the funeral Tuesday because I have that stupid paper due on Wednesday.

The tension between my parents is really making things weird for everyone. I almost feel like I have to be on a side. My parents have been unhappy for sometime, actually for a very long time. Now it has become more apparent. They don't talk. They don't go anywhere anymore. They talk about the other one (mostly to me). They are acting like kids. Unfortunately, I'm the one stuck in the middle because I guess my sister and brother just don't give a fuck; not that I necessarily want them to be unhappy together, I just want this whole tension and weirdness to stop. My dad is hardly ever around anymore and my mom could care less. My mom has even dreamed up this idea that when I get out of school we can get us a place together. This sucks for two reasons:(1) I was planning on living at home for the free rent and (2) ewwww ... that doesn't quite fit in my social agenda. At home my room is at the other end of my house, way far from my parents room. I eventually want to find me a guy and who wants to invite a guy over with mom sleeping in the next room?

Things are just shitty. When things get bad with them I always have to jump in and do something. I used to be able to win science fairs and spelling bees and shit to smooth stuff over, but these days I can barely (and I mean barely) keep my head above water. I just can't deal with my parents bullshit right now. Atleast not until I graduate.

Then theres my sister. She has "issues" right now or so she says, so she's not really talking to anyone right now. My mom said that someone at their church asked if she was gaining weight. I'm sure she's down about that so she's probably starving herself.

Which brings me to my own bullshit. I had some friends a while back who said that I have an eating disorder. I'm beginning to think they are right. I'm willing to admit that I am obsessed with food. I've lost about 8 pounds since I've been sick and my friends have been telling me how good I look. So I've been thinking, what if I don't put those 8 pounds back on. I know its crazy and so am I, but even without losing the 8 pounds, I still had issues with food. Not that I don't eat, but just recently I have become so restrictive in what I eat. Maybe its all the stress. And with all that is going on right now I can't eat.

And then on top of all of this, my brother is ..... I don't know what he's doing. He got fired from his job and kicked out of his girlfriend's mom's house. So he has moved back home. As usual nobody has said a word. I gurantee if it were me that of course I would be able to move back in, but my parents would definately want to know why and for how long. My brother, well he gets to lay around all day and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe he should go to college. Oh no thats right, he didn't want to. Me, when I wanted to delay it a year to find out what I really wanted to do, my parents jumped down my back so much that I basically picked a school out of a hat to come to and make them happy.

I guess I should pat myself on the back because I did a hell of a job. I made a promise to myself, that if the Lord would allow me to get out of college, that when I go home I am going to a real (not a counselor like they have at my school) psychiatrist. I probably need more help than I can afford.

Its times like these when I need Mr. Big aka Shane, he always had something funny on his blog to make me laugh.

~Jen

I know its been a while so let me catch you up on my goings ons.

Well not much has happened except that I have been extremely sick all week. I haven't been this sick in a very long time. I had the flu and it was dredful!!!! Fevers, chills, nightsweats, and all the other great crap that comes along with it. It really got worse than that, but I'll spare you from the gory details. I've lost about 8 pounds, so I look very sick. Ya'll know how particular I am about my number (which happens to be 130). I'm running about 122 right now, so I can't wait until I really get well where I can eat. I could actually go for about 6 taco supremes from taco bell, but I better hold off on that for a few days.

Schools kicking my ass right now. We're just about done for the spring, and right now I'm getting registered for my summer classes. On Wednesday I have a 30 page research paper due ... so my weekend looks great.

I finally got to see those pictures that my friend Steve took. They looked awesome. He is an amazing photographer; the way he captured shots from different angles is amazing. I don't know if my work was that good or if he was that good of a photographer. His sister Lindsey is getting married in August so Steve's dad is letting him shoot some wedding pictures that he can use as promos in the studio. Steve wants me to do the makeup and so I agreed. I'm not sure when we are going to shoot, but we make a great team.

And then there's Chris.... Aghhhhhhh!!!!! I should have known better!!! He knew that I have been sick since last weekend, so he called me Tuesday wanting to know why I haven't called him or hung out with him. I told him that I was trying to focus on more important things like walking across campus without passing out or trying to find some medicine to kill this awful flu bug. I guess he didn't care about that because he went off on some rant that I was able to go to school so I must not be that sick and that I must not care about him blah, blah, blah. I told him that I didn't owe him any explanations and I hung up on him. He's not my boyfriend and more importantly he doesn't fuck well enough to ask me those types of questions. I'm not obligated to him. I would like to be friends with him and thats it, I thought we had made it clear, but obviously not. When I get completely back on my feet, I'm sure we'll talk about it.

Thats all for now. I don't know when I'll be able to post again, due to the fact that I have this beast of a paper to work on this weekend.

Happy Friday,
~Jen

My, my, my, what a week I have had.

I've spent most of it with the flu. Today was actually the first day it didn't take me an hour to get out of bed. Unfortunately the flu came at a bad time because I had a lot of crap to do this week and I couldn't just lounge around in bed. The week has been dreadful and I look like hell.

But luckily, the flu did get Chris off my ass for a while. He has called to check on me, which was nice, but I was glad to not have to make up an excuse for not wanting to have sex.

I still feel shitty, but I think I will make it. And besides my Mavericks won and that cheered me up.

My friend Steve, who I took some pictures of my makeup work a couple of weeks ago, finished all of the pictures. He said they look awesome and is using some in a project he has for art. He said he'd bring my copies by, but honestly I'm so weak I can't get to the front door, so I'll wait until next week when hopefully I feel better. The fact that he says they look good, must mean that they are good. If they looked like crap, he would have said so.

Okay I'm getting tired again. Think I'ma lay down.

I hate being sick!!!!!!!!!
~Jen