Yesterday I successfully went to all my classes. I went to geology physically, but my mind was ways away.

I was thinking about when Nick at Nite used to be the bomb. Very random thought I know. I'm considerably young, but I remember when they used to show more than the Cosby Show and Full House. Those seem to be the only shows that they show. While in class on planet Jen, I came up with a list of shows that I either hardly see or don't see at all and wish that would somehow reappear on TV.

Here's my list: Doby Gillis, My Three Sons, The Donna Reed Show, Patty Duke, Mister Ed, Bonanza, Get Smart, Bewitched, Punky Brewster, Head of the Class, My Two Dads, Perfect Strangers, Small Wonder, Eight is Enough, The Partridge Family, The Wonder Years, Webster, 21 Jump Street, A-Team, Facts of Life, Mr. Belvadere, Beverly Hills 90210, Bosom Buddies, Charles in Charge, Saved By the Bell, Gomer Pyle, I Love Lucy, Flipper, Lassie, and Beverly Hillbilies.

Where are these shows? I know they occassionally make appearances on a VH1 countdown, but I want to see the real thing. Thank God they brought What's Happening to the TVland channel. I damn near cried when they had that 2 day marathon.

Gotta go, the game is back on.

~Jen

As you can tell I was suffering something of a mini breakdown. About 9 last night I went back to the gym because I was just feeling bad about myself. After I wrote all that crap about me being half-assed I was really pissed off. You have to be pretty low to call your own self half-assed. I know I'm better than half-assed.Maybe 1/4 half-assed. Anyways went to the gym and took out my frustrations on the stair master. The only time I like the stair master is when I'm angry. So I'm all in my zone thinking that I'ma get my shit together.

I returned back home with a new focus. Took a shower and set out to finish reading that stupid Constitutional Law crap. That was all and good, but the basketball game was still on. So I watched Indiana kick the crap out of Golden State (game totally sucked). After I had planned to do my work, but of course had to watch the post game show (Charles Barkley is so funny). Friend called me to say that Vince Young was on Leno. Watched that then proceeded to read a non-school book until 3am ( My Friend Leonard by James Frey if you're interested).

3am and I hadn't done any work. I was determined though. I figured that I couldn't bitch and moan anymore if I never did shit. Came up with that oh so clever I WILL WORK HARD AND I WILL TRY shit and got inspired. Stayed up, did all my work and didn't go to sleep. Thought I would be cranky this morning, but Saved By the Bell was on and I was excited.

I know its corny, but I like Saved by the Bell (please stop laughing).
Hopped off to class at 8am. Get there Teach passes out a worksheet and says see you Monday. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I'm sitting here bullshiting again. I'ma be late to my next class( yuck Geology). Yes, I'm going ... shocking I know.

I WILL WORK HARD I WILL TRY (what the fuck was I smoking last night, even I gotta laugh at that shit)

Talk to you later,maybe ... the Dallas Mavericks are on tonight. Go Mavs!!!

~Jen

I WILL WORK HARD.
I WILL TRY.


~Jen

Okay I tried to do my homework, honestly I did. Successfully, I did read 10 of the 35 pages that I was assigned to read. I probably won't read anymore. It was so boring and extremely hard to follow. I want to finish, but I keep getting sidetracked. For instance I got hungry so I ate. Then after eating I felt to full so I went to the gym to work out. After workout had to shower. Now I'm feeling hungry again and also feeling sleepy. This all probably means that I will eat, do 100 crunches, and then go to bad.

Sometimes I feel really bad when I don't do my homework. I wish I could do it, but it is so boring and all that complicated legal jargon just has me thrown. Analyzing the Constitution would drive any sane person crazy, trust me. Sometimes it seems pointless to read all this Constitutional Law crap anyway, because the Supreme Court just spins the Constitution in their favor anyway.

But, I do want to do better. I hate feeling like a slacker. I almost feel like I wasting away. I feel like the best parts of me are gone and that I'm just at the end of my rope.

If mom were reading this she would say "you're not thinking about killing yourself, are you Jen"? I don't think abount killing myself. This is not some suicide manifesto. I am just frustrated. Have you been in a situation that you just want to get out of, but you just can't see the end of the road? You're just so consumed and beginning to suffocate. Thats what I feel like. I can feel the bag over my head and I'm dying. Not literally, but I can just feel myself slipping away.

For instance, today when I went to class my heart was not in it. It seem that everything that I have been doing lately just has no heart in it. If I could describe myself the best word may be half-assed.

Jen is a half-assed daughter.
Jen is a half-assed sister.
Jen is a half-assed aunt.
Jen is a half-assed granddaughter.
Jen is a half-assed friend.
Jen is a half-assed student.

Half-assed, thats me.

I never thought that I would be this way. I watched my friends coast in high school. Being my judgemental self, I would tell myself that I would never just merely get by. But here I am merely getting by.

I am doing better than some of my friends. Some had babies and dropped out of school. Some are in jail. Some are just nobodies who lay around in their mama's house. Maybe I am no better. I have gone to greath lengths to insure that I don't get pregnant. Jail may be the only place that I am scared to go. But if I had the chance to lay around my parents house all day, I'd do it in a minute no doubt.

Maybe I am too judgemental of myself. I know I could do better. I know I should do better. I just can't get my wheels in motion, I'm stuck.

As much as I want to find a boyfriend right now, I can't. This baggage I am carrying would just be too much to bring into a relationship. And besides I don't need to add one more thing to the half-assed list.

Have you seen my mojo? I NEED IT BACK IN A HURRY!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace
~Jen

Well today I actually went to class. I actually enjoy going to my Shakespeare class. It allows me to do stuff that I actually, reading. My professor is pretty cool. Just a side note, I have used the word actually in 3 of my 4 previous sentences. Sorry.

Today in class we watched The Taming of the Shrew. It was a pretty good movie, I would have preferred to read it though. Did get to see some vintage Elizabeth Taylor, which was pretty cool.

Also got to talk some major trash today seeing as how my Longhorns manhandled USC last night. That may have been my main motivation for showing my face on campus today. People really thought that USC was going to win. Remember the unofficial motto of Texas is "Don't Mess With Texas" (even more unofficial " Don't Fuck With Texas").

I'm still mesmerized by the performance of Vince Young. He might become my new favorite quarterback. Well Brett Favre will always be my favorite. Through bad seasons and all Brett is still at the top. I like Tom Brady too because he always finds a way to help his team win. And Tom Brady is just too cute. I love to watch him move!! And of course there is Troy Aikman. He's just my favorite because he won SuperBowls for Dallas, my hometown.

I need to read my assignment for my Constitutional Law class tomorrow. What is a slcker like me doing in Constitutional Law? I used to have aspirations of being a lawyer. Or more correctly, everyone else thought that I should be a lawyer.

This concept actually worked for a while. I did want to be a lawyer for about 5 minutes. My family still thinks that I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a make-up artist, or at least I think I do. My family is clueless. They think that I am at school studying hard and pining away for those upcoming LSAT exams. My lying skills are better than I thought.

I'm feeling the urge to take a nap. I stayed up until 3 in the morning watching Sportscenter reruns watching highlights of the game. I am quite tired. I highly doubt that I will read 30 pages of Constitutional Law crap and that means that I will probably not be making an 8am appearance in class tomorrow.

I know that sounds lazy, but it is the truth.

Today let's end with a quote from T-Pain and Mike Jones.
" I'm in luv with a stripper. She pop and she roll. She climbing that pole and I'm in luv with a stripper."
From the song I'm N Luv (wit a stripper).

That song is hilarious if you haven't heard it.I guess strippers need love too. How long before My Heart Belongs to a Prostitiute?

Enjoy the rest of the day!!
~Jen