Interesting title I know. Guess what ... that interesting title happens to be my grades for the quarter. F ... F... F.

I fucking failed all of my classes.

I am a failure.

Academic probation is the only thing that I have to look forward to. Oh yeah, I'm pretty sure my parents are going to find out. Yippee!!! I'm so fucked.

I should probably be trying to get some kind of lesson out of this, but I don't see one. Well, there is the reoccuring one ... I need to make my parents understand that I couldn't give a shit about school. The probability that this will happen is highly unlikely.

In other sad news today, I weighed myself. I normally refrain from this because I obsess about the number to much. I need to lose five pounds. I weigh five pounds more than I'd like to. I hate that I weighed myself.

It all started when I went shoe shopping today. I was trying on sandals and I thought my feet looked chubby in some of the sandals. I came home and weighed myself. 135 pounds. I usually like to weigh 130 pounds on the dot. Its not like the five pounds make that big of a difference because I'm 5'10. In my own fucked up head, the five pounds matters to me.

130 is my own personal model of perfection, not that I am perfect. I just feel better like that. I've got to get back to 130.

I'm a failure not only at school, but also with my weight. This is so depressing. I'm going to take some Vicodin and go to bed.

~Jen

What up ya'll! Dallas, TX is in the building!!!

As of late I have been doing nothing but sleeping and enjoying my time at home. I forgot to mention that I am also waiting in panic until my grades arrive. Pray for me.

Did ya'll see the Mavericks yesterday. What a game !!! I should know .. I was there. I have to admit when my friend Medina told me she had tickets I was stoked. But then I found out that the game was at noon ... not stoked anymore. I dragged my ass out of bed and went. Boy am I glad I went. A shitty game turned into one of the greatest comebacks I've ever seen. Not to mention the game gave us an early start on our beer consumption. We went out to a club last night and we drank there too, so my hangover is just beginning to subside.

I've been working on a short story that I started writing a few days ago. I hope to try and post it sometime this week, so be on the lookout. I'ma take a few asprin, finish my beer, and hit the sack.

I'm out like the Winter Olympics

~Jen

My head is literally about to explode. I am so stressed out. I am so disappointed in myself. I studied all last night for my exam and this morning I over slept. Since I didn't go to class last Thursday, I don't know if I missed my final or not. The test maybe Thursday. I hope and pray that it is.

I was thinking about the state of my life, my own personal state of my union address. My life has always revolved around school. I always did well in school up until the last year and as a result of that all was well in my life.

Now I am doing horribly in school and as a result my life is horrible. Why does my performance in school control my life? Everyone expects me to so well. Everyone expects me to be perfect. From the time I was 4 years old I have been wearing a smile when I was crying on the inside. I've been doing this for 18 years and now it has given me this reputation; even when I'm not happy I pretend to be, everyone expects this from me.

I guess my problem is that I pretended to be happy for too long. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I live behind this mask and the my vision is just distorted.

Whats so fucked up is that the things that make me even remotely happy are things that I just use to escape what is going on in my life. I have almost every brand of clothing, shoes, handbag ... every brand of make up. I go to the gym 2 times a day. I read books all the time. I do these things not for the satisfaction that they bring, but to get out of my own fucking head.

I met this guy named Brad a few weeks ago. We have been talking and getting to know each other. Yesterday, he asked me what I thought would happen if we were more than friends. How do you explain to someone that you are a great person, but you are just too fucked up to be with. Brad is somebody, who if I wasn't so messed up right now, that I would like to be with. Its sad to have to put people off because you are a mess.

I went to our school counselors a few weeks ago. The first session helped a bit, mostly because I cried the whole time. At the next session the counselor told me to start exercising for 30 minutes a day to help release my endorphins. Dude, I go to the gym twice a day. He told me to keep it up and I would feel better. Needless to say I haven't been back.

The only peace that I have right now is knowing that I will be able to go home on Thursday. Once I endure the barage of questions that will come my way when I get home I should feel better.

Thats it for today. Next post will be coming to ya'll live and direct from Dallas.

~ Jen

I know its been a few days so let me catch you up to speed with what has been happening in my little world.

Lately, I have been running around campus trying to figure out exactly how horribly I am doing in school. Our last day is Thursday, so this week will be a week of finals. I know for sure that I have failed one class. I gave up on Constitutional Law, so the F is deserved. If I'm lucky I'll get a D in my geology class. I'm really hoping for a D because if I fail it I will have to take it again, Con. Law was just an elective. I'm confident that I can pull a C in Shakespeare. Boy academic probation is staring me right between the eyeballs.

The class I'm most excited about for next term (we have trimesters instead of semesters)is tennis. I can't wait to take tennis. I can't wait to get home and run to the mall ( there are none where I go to school ... the nearest is an hour away) and pick me up some cute tennis outfits. Tennis makes me think of Maria Sharapova and I wish I could look like that. I'm really excited about tennis ... the rest of the classes not so much.

I can't wait to go home Thursday. It will be good to get out of the country and back into the city. Hell, it will be good just to get back in the state of Texas. I'm a Texas girl .. I hate staying away too long. It will be good to get home and go shopping, see my old buddies, and probably catch a Mavericks game.

On to sports news. Well let me start by saying that we have been having pretty shitty weather today and I didn't go out at all, so the Slam Dunk contest has been the highlight of my day ( and reading the comments that people left me).

In years past the Slam Dunk contest has been as fulfilling a grape on an empty stomach. Tonight though it was pretty good. Not as good as some of those from back in the 80's and 90's, but hey the quality of basketball today sucks. Tonight I was suprised.

Iguodala definately would have won if he had saved that from behind the backboard dunk for last. THAT SHIT WAS AMAZING. It gets style points, creativity, originality, it was off the charts. Nate Robinson brought his A game too. That Spud Webb dunk was great, but lets end the trend of bringing out past NBA legends jerseys. Last year it was Dominique Wilkins, this year Spud Webb ... this trend is officially old so I don't want to see it next year.

Sorry Iguodala got cheated at the end. I don't know who did it, but somebody changed their score. Iguodala looked up and thought he won... turned around to get his congrats... turned back around to see that he had lost. Good job by both guys, they may have resurrected the slam dunk contest complete with dunk off and all. What more could a girl want ( besides a slice of pizza and some hot chocolate ... I'm starving and cold).

What else happened? I'm thinking while typing. My ex-boyfriend called and left me a voicemail. He wants to see me when I come home. I doubt if I will go see him. Maybe I will. His family has season tickets to the Mavs and I could get a really good seat. Then, I'd have to sit with him and talk to him, but at least I'd have a good seat. Depending on my mood, this may actually be something I could put up with. The positives: courtside, cute outfit, Mavericks, good seats, kick back a few beers. The negatives: J ( this would be the infamous ex). I think the positives win. Double positive if I meet him at the game ... I can block out all his talking during the game and burn off after its over.

Maybe not. Usually when he opens his mouth to talk I open mine to vomit. I would hate to throw up on the court or something. And those seats on the court are kinda close together and if he touches me I would instantly turn into Ron Artest and beat the crap out of him. I should probably not think and type any more.

I'm sleepy now. I'm going to bed ... going to bed very hungry I might add.

Shout out to Dirk Nowitzki for winning the 3 point contest.

~Jen

Unfortunately, I have become entangled in a nasty web of drama. I despise drama, especially drama that is not of my making. Here I am though, caught in the middle of the saga that is my two friends Britney and Brian.

I knew Brian before Brit. Me and him kinda go way back. After he started dating Brit, me and her became friends as well. They have now been dating for about 3 years.

Brit called me last night because she was mad that Brian had not come home and he wasn't answering his cell. Apparently they had plans to do something last night. She was mad understandably, it was 11pm and no Brian. I felt bad for her, but not really.

Brian is not the most dependable boyfriend. He is a great friend but he sucks as a boyfriend. I failed to mention this to Brit but I know where Brian was. Where he always is ... with another woman.

B is a serial cheater. I think he needs help. B has never been faithful to Brit for more than 2 weeks and trust me this was a stretch for him.

She knows he's cheating. She has to. Hell all of her friends, even me, have told her. She refuses to believe it until she catches him with her own eyes, which she will never do. B is slicker than a can of oil. He lies to her so good ... like well thought out elaborate shit can answer any question you have and have a witness. His game is that tight. Super tight.

So today I see B and I asked him why he does Brit the way he does. In typical B fashion he says "because I can and she won't leave me". Then I said why not just dump her. He says because he would be giving up too much ... who would wash his clothes, clean the house for him, cook for him, and is always a sure thing for sex.

B also tells me that he would settle for Brit if he had to. He goes on to say that Britney is desperate to be with a man, even if he is a complete man whore. I asked B about the females he cheats with and he said that they are the complete opposite of Brit. He described them as being independent and not needing of a man for anything other than sex. Then he drops the bombshell, "Jen they are kinda like you".

What the f ? He says that I give off a vibe like I don't need a man. Which is probably true. The things that I do are for the satisfaction of myself and if it happens to intrigue or turn someone else's head great if not I'm still all good.

"So why fuck and leave them?" I asked. B said because "women like that will break your heart. You are disposable to them. They don't put up with your shit. One strike and your out. So I dispose of them before they get the chance to cut me loose. Brit is dependent on me. She is depending on me to marry her. She needs to be with me because she is afraid to be alone. She's insecure. Jen you are not like that. You could be alone and be okay. In fact, you are probably better by yourself. I know its fucked up what I do, but can you blame me. I got a "wife" at home and enough ass for ten men."

I can't even hate. I can't blame him.

Honestly, I feel 20% bad for Brit but she lets him cheat. I live by the philosophy that you gotta call your own shots in a relationship. I am willing to overlook the fact that a guy may not like sports, but cheating. You can't let that slide. Next thing ya know your like poor Brit, all dressed up on Valentine's Day waiting for your man to stop fucking other women long enough to take you out.

My name is Jennifer.I'm independent. I have high standards. Losers need not apply!

~Jen