I wish I could just be normal. Normal to a point where I could function on a daily basis without so much doubt and so much pressure to be something I don't want to be. I feel so constrained by something and what it is I don't even know.

I'm so up and down. More down than up. For instance today I was walking to my car in the rain, and for some reason I just started crying. I got to my car, sat in the driver's seat and began to bawl my eyes out. For no apparent reason. I wasn't sad, nor was I happy. Something was just too much for me to handle... what it is I just don't know.

It's not like my life is that bad. I'm not hurting for money or anything, I'm in college; I can't figure out what is wrong. I've tried and I can't.

And yesterday for no apparent reason I quit my job. I quit because I didn't feel like working yesterday. Who does that? What sane person with bills quits their job without a another one?

I swear I am so fucked up. I feel like I'm inside my own head too much, that I think about what the fuck is wrong with me too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like making this shit up in my own head. Maybe I'm not all fucked up ... maybe I'm just ... I don't know.

All across the board I'm outta control. I can hardly pay attention to anything, I'm spending out of control, and now I'm exercising like a mad woman (at least 3-4 times a day) because it makes me feel good.

Sometimes I just don't know ..................

~Jen

Hello everyone. I know its been a long time since I posted so please forgive. My computer is near death and I've been working hella crazy hours plus going to summer school. Ahhh the glamourous life... not really. I got a job on campus writing parking tickets, which could be considered fun by some but given the 100 degree heat, it's not. It pays some bills though and allows me to work my other job.

What's my other job? Doing makeup of course. For a mere $25 you can have you face made over by yours truly. My friends tell me I don't charge enough (which I know), but I'm not licensed or anything so I figured that I shouldn't charge that much. Besides, I'm not really doing it for the money, really more for the experience. The coolest thing I have done so far is turn my friend into a drag queen. I decked him out all Marilyn Monroe style and he won this drag contest. I am also doing makeup on occassion for my friend's dads portrait studio. I have to say I'm not making that much, but I'm saving money to join this makeup distribution group. It's kinda like Mary Kay or Avon, but with better products. This way I can get my products cheaper and be able to service more people without spending so much money. And this particular group has an exclusive contract to work with several agencies of local models.

I'm still suffering from these anxiety ridden, panick type, depressed, bluesy feeling syndrome. It comes in waves; somedays it completely sucks and other days I feel normal. I never thought an emotional roller coaster would be this fun ... not!

Anyways, remember Chris? The good looking, nice teeth, bad sex guy that I had this little fling with. We have actually become really good friends over the summer. Last month, I was having a really difficult time with some things (my parents, my uncle's death, school ... so typical of me)and of all things my car completely dies on me. I was at Sonic trying to get an ice cream sundae and that car of mine just died ... no check engine light or nothing ... just died. So I pull out my cell and start calling what seems like everyone that I know and I can't get an answer. Parents, friends, cousins, nobody picks up. Of course I go into panick mode because its 11pm on a Saturday, of course nobody is home. I'm crying and low and behold out of the clear darkness somebody is is feenin for some ice cream too at 11pm. You guessed it, it was Chris!

He tinkered with my car which still remained silent. He waited with me until the tow truck came. He paid for my tow truck (hey I was about to charge an ice cream sundae on my credit card ... by the way, who the hell doesn't take credit). He stepped up for me big time. I thanked him that Saturday night and he really blew me away with what he said: "I wouldn't normally do this for a girl who blew me off."

Ouch!!! That hurt !!!!

But it was true. I did kinda blow him off. I thought that he could be a Mr. Right Now and that wasn't fair to him, nor was it fair for me to write him off because I was going through some personal shit.

Sunday morning I walked to his house with some donuts as a surprise ( I started to ask him to come and get me, but I figured that he'd be moody if he had to get out of bed to come and get me ... besides my legs work). We ended up talking and I apologized and thanked him again for the help. He was telling me how cool he thought I was and how much fun he had when we were together. I missed him too.

Since its pretty much dead around here, we starting hanging out a lot. Now he's my running buddy in the morning. I've even been rock climbing with him when I get some spare time. Its good being friends with him.

So that's about all that is going on with me. But wait, one more thing.....

HOW BOUT THOSE DALLAS MAVERICKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so they lost and trust me it hurt like hell, but my boys got to the NBA Finals. I've been waiting 22 years for this. The excitement over the city was crazy. I was a freaking lunatic I was so excited. I actually got to go to game one of the Finals and it was FUCKING AWESOME. I'm making a final scrapbook. This was even better than when the Cowboys were winning SuperBowls ( I guess because I despise the Cowboys). I've never been more proud as a fan!!!!!

Thats all. Boy I'm tired. I wish you all well. I hope to hear from you and I hope to post and respond as promptly as I can.

Love,
~Jen