I'm preparing to go back to school for the summer in a few days and as usual I'm not excited about it. Time has been kind to me though, since being out of school I have been able to settle down a bit and things at home have died down.

While at home I had to shell out many a graduation gift for "friends" of mine that have jumped the college hurdle. This ultimately led to me having to explain why I wasn't crossing the big stage this May. Needless to say that my "friends" (most of which I hadn't seen since high school) were shocked to find out the honor student I used to be, was no more. With my confession, the picture perfect college careers that most of them had painted seemed to fade almost instantaneously. It seemed that my admission of truth made them feel comfortable to express their own truths.

I almost could not believe what I heard. These "friends" ( I use "friends" because I am really too far removed from these people to actually have a close and meaningful relationship with these people; everything is purely materialistic or perhaps my holding on to a certain nostalgia from the past.) admitted to me all sorts of things, things that quite honestly were none of my business. I found out that one "friend" had an abortion. Another one is marrying her boyfriend only out of security. Another "friend" is only pretending to graduate ... whatever that means.

I've been reading a lot lately and given my previous state of chaos, I came to this big realization. My grandmother always told me that things don't have to be what they seem. I never doubted this, but now more than ever I know what she means.

As applied to my life, I think that I have always tried to make things be something that they are not. I have always tried to create the perfect picture and it worked for so long. Just recently, everything became undone and I, being used to "perfect" became undone as well. I've been looking to place blame somewhere else, when blame should have been placed on me. I control my life and while trying to create this perfect image, I lost control and relied on something that wasn't real.

I always tried to be this bookworm student, and now I've just realized thats not who I am. I'm creative, a free-spirit and for so long I've restrained those feelings into being something else. I pushed myself in a direction that isn't me and thats what has made me so unhappy. I'm not a suit and tie, 9 to 5 kinda gal, but here I am studying to be a lawyer, it just doesn't make sense. I put the blame on not being happy with the school I was at, in reality I wasn't happy with the path that I was on. I've decided though, that I won't quit school, I've earned my degree and its been one expensive lesson on listening to what my heart tells me.

Then this realization got me to thinking about my love life (or lack of one).

I always wanted my parents to be perfect, I think I might have been brainwashed by the Cosby Show. My parents aren't perfect. The are great on their own, but together they just don't work. My father had an affair with another woman, this was before I was even born. I didn't find out until I was like 9 or 10, and even then I didn't want to believe it because it broke my perfect picture. It was hard to deny because out of it I found out that I had a new brother. It was hard to realize that my dad isn't the perfect guy. And then once I heard a conversation that I wasn't supposed to hear, my mom was telling one of her friends on the phone that she would leave my dad if it weren't for me or my sister. At this time, my sister was 16 or 17 so she wasn't home a lot, but I was like 10 and thats when I just tried to be perfect. I had to hold my family together and I've been trying to ever since.

This got me to thinking about the guy that I had that one night stand with last week. He's older than me, by like 10 years (he's 31) and I met him when I was 14. I made a very crucial mistake back then. I fell in love with him. My first love was a 24 year old college student. Even then though I wasn't stupid, I knew what I was doing. I was in love with the idea; all the sneaking out and all the great stories that it provided. All my friends were jealous. This guy though is an asshole, so cocky and arrogant, but without him I was just like every other girl. He made me standout. He made me feel special and I thought he was special,so I thought that this is what love is. Everything was so one sided though. It was all about him, to him I was disposable. I always wanted to believe that he loved me. I thought that we would end up like Carrie and Big on Sex and the City. I always knew that things would end up like a fairytale. Why? Because that would make my picture perfect. It would make all the times that we both used each other okay. So yesterday, I find out that after I had this one night stand with this guy, his picture is already complete. Whatever hope, even if subconsciously, has been shattered because I found out that he is married. He called me today, said he got tickets for me to fly and see him in Jaimaica. He wants me to be his mistress. Part of me wants to, really wants to. This brings me back to my parents; I was willing to believe that they would work, so I was willing to believe that this would work as well. I've always known that it hasn't and it won't.

So its late and I've went on and on forever, and after thinking about it all I guess my biggest realization is that if you are willing to believe a lie you are willing to live it as well. Maybe its not the things or people that have made me unhappy, but the lies (and there are so many of them) that I've been willing to except and perpetuate that have caught up to me. I guess its time to start telling the truth and seeking it as well.

~Jen

Okay guys, so I'm not dead yet .... but I am pretty close. Okay maybe not really but kinda sort of.

School is finally out and I start summer school in June. But now more than ever, after finding out that I will not graduate this summer I could really give two shits about school.

I've been moving so thats why I haven't been able to post. I'm in Dallas now, but I probably won't be able to post regularly until I get back to school.

Nothing exciting has happened ... mostly everything has been fucked up, so much so that I am used to it.

One good thing: An ex from way back was in town for 2 days, and somehow, we accidentally had sex. The really great kind. It sort of sucks though because outside of the sex I really can't stand this guy. He's such an asshole. But he is good looking and fucks great. He would be perfect if he were a mute.

It was a onetime thing; I totally regret it now. I had a one night stand ..... gross. But then again, so is everything else in my life right now.

The Mavericks lost tonight and I'm super pissed off ... I'm going to bed.

~Jen

And the world just keep shitting on me.

Today I went and talked to my academic advisor and she tells me that I will not be graduating in the summer. So lucky me I will have to come back to this place in the fall to take a tennis and a racquetball class. I will have to come back for a fucking tennis and a fucking racquetball class.

I thought that I had covered my ass from the classes that I failed last term, and it turns out that I did. My stupid advisor is the one who fucked up. She has been counting some classes that I dropped in my freshman and sophmore years. So I'm lacking two classes, any two classes, hence the racquetball and tennis. I was looking forward to going home to Dallas and not looking back at this shit hole in Louisiana anymore, but I'll be back again for a damn tennis and racquetball class.

I could have sworn that after last term I had all my loose ends tied up. I reformed myself, got back on track (until I got sick). And to my own credit, last term was my only and most disasterous term. Out of 4 years, one bad break. I feel like thats haunting me. I thought I had got away with it; I didn't have to tell my parents and I didn't get put on academic probation ... I thought I got off free.

I should know better, that kind of stuff never happens for me. I always end up busting my ass and finishing behind someone else. This has to be the story of my life, 2nd place loser. Even in high school when I was an all A student, it still wasn't enough to be the best. My best wasn't as good as the next person's. I just feel like whatever I do I come up short. Sometimes I look at my brother and think wow, his life is a cakewalk. He has it made. He works until he gets tired, then he'll quit that job. Then he gets thrown out of his apartment, but thats okay because he just comes back home. He hangs out all the time and sleeps all day, until finally one day he decides that he wants to grow up for 6 months. Then he'll get a job and the cycle will repeat.

Me I sacrificed my own happiness to try and please others and it comes back to bite me in the ass. I've been stuck in this place trying to make my parents happy and now it appears that I may never get out. I was going through (and probably still am) the worst depression of my life and my parents would never cut me any slack like they do my brother. I don't know if its because they don't care or they want to pretend that everything is always so damn picture perfect.

I'm so frustrated because I don't know what I am going to do. Quite honestly, I feel like laying down on the railroad tracks and wait for a train to come and run me over (don't worry I won't).

I can just hear my dad saying "well, how much is it gonna cost now."

Quite honestly, I feel like pulling my hair out one strand at a time.

~Jen

I was just thinking, have you ever wanted to just lift your head off of your shoulders, so that you could just chill the hell out?

Everyone is breathing down my back right now and I honestly wish that people could just get off my ass for like 10 seconds. My world is swirling around like a tornado right now and I feel like I'm at the breaking point.

I was sick all last week and eventhough I made it to class, I still have a shitload of work to catch up on. I have a 20-30 page paper due on Wednesday that is a monster. I am having trouble getting all the classes that I need to take this summer to graduate. I am panicked that when I go to register to graduate that the dean is going to laugh in my face. I just bombed a geology test with a 37 (oh, I forgot my 5 bonus points, so with a 42). And this is just my school life.

My family life is at the worst I think I have ever seen it.

My uncle who had been sick for the past few months died last week. He was getting better and then he just died. I had sent him a card and my mom told me that he was so happy that about it. I was planning on seeing him when I finished up my spring term in school. Whats worse is that I don't even know if I can make it to the funeral Tuesday because I have that stupid paper due on Wednesday.

The tension between my parents is really making things weird for everyone. I almost feel like I have to be on a side. My parents have been unhappy for sometime, actually for a very long time. Now it has become more apparent. They don't talk. They don't go anywhere anymore. They talk about the other one (mostly to me). They are acting like kids. Unfortunately, I'm the one stuck in the middle because I guess my sister and brother just don't give a fuck; not that I necessarily want them to be unhappy together, I just want this whole tension and weirdness to stop. My dad is hardly ever around anymore and my mom could care less. My mom has even dreamed up this idea that when I get out of school we can get us a place together. This sucks for two reasons:(1) I was planning on living at home for the free rent and (2) ewwww ... that doesn't quite fit in my social agenda. At home my room is at the other end of my house, way far from my parents room. I eventually want to find me a guy and who wants to invite a guy over with mom sleeping in the next room?

Things are just shitty. When things get bad with them I always have to jump in and do something. I used to be able to win science fairs and spelling bees and shit to smooth stuff over, but these days I can barely (and I mean barely) keep my head above water. I just can't deal with my parents bullshit right now. Atleast not until I graduate.

Then theres my sister. She has "issues" right now or so she says, so she's not really talking to anyone right now. My mom said that someone at their church asked if she was gaining weight. I'm sure she's down about that so she's probably starving herself.

Which brings me to my own bullshit. I had some friends a while back who said that I have an eating disorder. I'm beginning to think they are right. I'm willing to admit that I am obsessed with food. I've lost about 8 pounds since I've been sick and my friends have been telling me how good I look. So I've been thinking, what if I don't put those 8 pounds back on. I know its crazy and so am I, but even without losing the 8 pounds, I still had issues with food. Not that I don't eat, but just recently I have become so restrictive in what I eat. Maybe its all the stress. And with all that is going on right now I can't eat.

And then on top of all of this, my brother is ..... I don't know what he's doing. He got fired from his job and kicked out of his girlfriend's mom's house. So he has moved back home. As usual nobody has said a word. I gurantee if it were me that of course I would be able to move back in, but my parents would definately want to know why and for how long. My brother, well he gets to lay around all day and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe he should go to college. Oh no thats right, he didn't want to. Me, when I wanted to delay it a year to find out what I really wanted to do, my parents jumped down my back so much that I basically picked a school out of a hat to come to and make them happy.

I guess I should pat myself on the back because I did a hell of a job. I made a promise to myself, that if the Lord would allow me to get out of college, that when I go home I am going to a real (not a counselor like they have at my school) psychiatrist. I probably need more help than I can afford.

Its times like these when I need Mr. Big aka Shane, he always had something funny on his blog to make me laugh.

~Jen

I know its been a while so let me catch you up on my goings ons.

Well not much has happened except that I have been extremely sick all week. I haven't been this sick in a very long time. I had the flu and it was dredful!!!! Fevers, chills, nightsweats, and all the other great crap that comes along with it. It really got worse than that, but I'll spare you from the gory details. I've lost about 8 pounds, so I look very sick. Ya'll know how particular I am about my number (which happens to be 130). I'm running about 122 right now, so I can't wait until I really get well where I can eat. I could actually go for about 6 taco supremes from taco bell, but I better hold off on that for a few days.

Schools kicking my ass right now. We're just about done for the spring, and right now I'm getting registered for my summer classes. On Wednesday I have a 30 page research paper due ... so my weekend looks great.

I finally got to see those pictures that my friend Steve took. They looked awesome. He is an amazing photographer; the way he captured shots from different angles is amazing. I don't know if my work was that good or if he was that good of a photographer. His sister Lindsey is getting married in August so Steve's dad is letting him shoot some wedding pictures that he can use as promos in the studio. Steve wants me to do the makeup and so I agreed. I'm not sure when we are going to shoot, but we make a great team.

And then there's Chris.... Aghhhhhhh!!!!! I should have known better!!! He knew that I have been sick since last weekend, so he called me Tuesday wanting to know why I haven't called him or hung out with him. I told him that I was trying to focus on more important things like walking across campus without passing out or trying to find some medicine to kill this awful flu bug. I guess he didn't care about that because he went off on some rant that I was able to go to school so I must not be that sick and that I must not care about him blah, blah, blah. I told him that I didn't owe him any explanations and I hung up on him. He's not my boyfriend and more importantly he doesn't fuck well enough to ask me those types of questions. I'm not obligated to him. I would like to be friends with him and thats it, I thought we had made it clear, but obviously not. When I get completely back on my feet, I'm sure we'll talk about it.

Thats all for now. I don't know when I'll be able to post again, due to the fact that I have this beast of a paper to work on this weekend.

Happy Friday,
~Jen