Its been a while since I posted. A lot has changed, okay not really but a few substantial changes have been made.

On Wednesday, I went to therapy. The doctor was pretty cool. I almost felt like I was playing baseball (not that I've ever played a day in my life). The doc was asking me question after question throwing ball after ball. I was just answering back homerun after homerun answer after answer. That was a really lame analogy. Anywhoo, we talked about my recent state of emotional decay and of course I cried. After I left I felt better ... we'll see how long this lasts.

I started going back to class. I think I have a chance to save most of my grades. My geology teacher is going to let me make up both of the tests that I missed. He has got to be the coolest dude ever. My other two clases I think I can hang on and hopefully get C's. I'm hoping for C's, how lame is that?

Went to career couseling yesterday. The counselor actually thought that it would be a good idea if I scrapped my major. That lady was definately smoking crack. I'm so close to being done that to change majors now would set me back another year. The last thing I want is more school.

With my new found hope I began writing some short stories. Maybe if I get enough courage I will post one. My dream has always been to write a book. I haven't had the discipline or the patience to stick with my characters long enough so I have this series of short stories that I hope will one day work itself into novel form. Who knows?

Speaking of books, did ya'll se Oprah fry James Frey. Boy she grilled him so, I felt bad. It was almost hard to watch. But as a reader of his book, I felt it was somewhat necessary. You can't just write out the story of your life, claim it all to be true, go on Oprah, gain great success, become a millionaire, then go back and say oh no that wasn't really my life I just made that up. Even with the disclaimer that will now be printed in the book, its still fiction because even the so called "truths" of the book hold no real weight. As far as I'm concerned the book is totally made up.

On the otherhand, I can see why the character had to be so bold. Its makes the recovery process seem so achievable. To package that bad ass in the book as a real person, makes the book sell and it makes the story seem possible. Fiction characters can always do anything; they fly to the moon, go on great adventures, or have root canals with no novacaine. Nobody expects real people to do these things, but when they do its inspiring and its something to look up to.

Anywhoo, the new POD cd came out this week. Has anyone heard it? I love POD but I'm strapped for cash until Tuesday. I found this new band that I like called Soulive. They have been out for a while, but I just got on to them. Its kind of a jazzy sound but r&bish but not really. Its a breath of fresh air for me. It helps me relax. You have to hear them. My favorite song is called Joyful Girl. Also been listening to this song by Tracy Chapman called Change. I'll leave you with some lyrics from both of their songs.

"You do it for the joy it brings/Because you're a joyful girl/Cause the world owes me nothing/ And we owe each other the world." ~Soulive from the song Joyful Girl.

"If u knew that u would die today/ If u saw the face of God and love/ Would u change/ Would u change/ If u knew that love can't break your heart/ When your down so low that u cannot fall/ Would u change/ Would u change/ How bad how good does it need to get/ How many losses how much regret/ What chain reaction would cause an effect?" ~Tracy Chapman from the song Change.

Check out these songs, they are awesome. Can't wait to get POD next week!!!

~Jen

Okay so I said a few days ago that I would post about my ex boyfriend, so here it goes. We dated for almost three years and we broke up in August because he wanted to get married. I know you are probably thinking that I should have jumped at the chance. I didn't. This really hurt him. He took it as if I was saying that I would never marry him. I tried to convince him that I don't want to get married now that we need to wait until we are both a little more stable in our lives.

He graduated from college last May and this summer he spent most of his time getting moved back to Texas from North Carolina. By the time he finally got moved, I was preparing to come back to Louisiana for school. This is when he springs the marriage thing on me. Bad Timing. Now he's in law school and I'm here in Louisiana ... to be planning a wedding now would be insane.

When I told him no, he told me he felt "totally rejected". I felt bad but I just couldn't say yes. Things just didn't feel right. I was trying to figure out what to do with myself as far as school and what I was going to do career wise since my law school plans seemed to be slipping out of view. Meanwhile, J had everything figured out.

I tried to convey this to him. I tried to make him understand that I needed to figure out some things before I could make a long term commitment. He couldn't respect my need for me to do something that did not involve him in any way. He thought since I said no that I would be looking for someone else. If you've read a few of my blogs it is probably pretty clear that the last thing I need on my plate is a new relationship.

After that things just couldn't go back to the way they were. J said that he was "just wasting his time if marrying me wasn't a possiblity." I got tired of trying to convince him that marriage was still a possibility, just not in the near future. So we agreed that it was best we part ways.

He called me the other day for no apparent reason. Said he wants to come visit, and that we should spend some time together. Said he wishes we talked more. Said he wishes that we COULD GET BACK TOGETHER.

I appreciate him being honest and that he only beat around the bush for 5 minutes before getting to the punch. In all honesty I'm glad he misses me and all that good stuff. But his reason for calling was to see if I was with someone else and to see if I had moved on. I have.

He hasn't. He tried to. My friend told me that he was seeing this girl that we both know. She is very pretty, but she could care less about love and more about money which my ex has plenty of. Very deep pockets. Anyways, he fell for her and supposedly she moved in with him in October. She ended up dumping him because she started seeing some guy from the Dallas Cowboys. During his phone call he failed to mention this. I'm glad I got good sources.

So after he's seen that the grass isn't greener he's prepared to be with me. Now, in his words, he "understands what [I] meant and however long it takes you, I just wanna be with you". Had I not known what had happened with this girl, this would have meant a lot. Now it just looks like you couldn't get what you wanted when you wanted, regardless of how I felt and then picked up some trick and in addition to moving in with you I'm guessing she ran through them pockets as well.

So his call, with lack of sincerity, pissed me off and I was totally annoyed with him. He is a really good guy. Respectful. Hard Working. Honest.Trustworthy. Goal oriented. Sexy as hell. Good sex. Total package. He would definately make a good husband. I'm not throwing away the idea that a reconcilliation is possible. However, I don't want it to come on the heels of his escapade with a tramp.

Enough with the ex talk, I'm getting upset. I can't believe he was with that trampy girl!!!!!

I'll be watching Championship Sunday (football), so tomorrows post will probably be about the games.

I'm out like Andy Roddick in the Australian Open.

~Jen

Today has been a way better morning than yesterday. I still didn't sleep last night though. Got up about 6:30, got dressed, and then stretched for a while, and then proceeded to go on one of the best runs of my life.

It was awesome. The sun was coming up through the trees. It was cold but not too cold. Nobody was out. It was just perfect. I thought my head would be much clearer after running, but it isn't. I guess some sleep would help my head. My body feels really great though and I'm glad that my hair didn't frizz!!!!

After the run hit the doughnut shop. Got a doughnut and coffee. I was excited because my doughnut was fresh and all nice and warm.

Hope this feeling lasts all day.
Hope your morning goes as well as mine.

~Jen

My morning is not going how I planned it. I did not sleep last night again. I stayed up trying to read my constitutional law crap. Ended up not understanding and getting extremely frustrated. Ended up in a mess of tears and felt extremely inadequate. Needless to say, I didn't go to class.

I have this massive headache. It is like pounding the bejesus out of my head. It feels as if my eyeballs could just pop out of their sockets at any moment.

I tried to lay down after my trying to do my constitutional law stuff. All I could think about was having to talk to my geology teacher. I'm terrified. Normally, if I had a somewhat legit excuse I'd spin a few lies together and get them to go in my favor. No worries. How am I supposed to explain to somebody that I didn't come to class because at the present moment I'm in the middle of a nervous fucking breakdown.

To my credit, I don't look like I'm emotional wreck. Clearly, my mind is in a different state. I know if I wait any longer to talk to this teacher that he may not let me take the tests. Damn, my stomach is burning. And my fucking head is pounding.

I am so screwed. Soooooooo screwed. While I was doing my constitutional law stuff (or at least attempting it)I realized that I haven't been to class in two weeks. Two whole weeks. I have no excuse for where I was or what I was doing, other than that I was probably crying, feeling that my life was in shambles, and that I just wanted to go to sleep.

The only thing that looks appealing to me is swallowing a handful of Tylenol PM and if I drank (well I do drink, just not at my present state. given my delicate mental frame of mind the last thing that I need is to form an addiction to alchol. trust me anything that i could take to make me feel better ... i'dbethisclose to forming an addiction to), like I was saying though if I drank I'd want some Jack Daniel's on the rocks. A handful of Tylenol PM and some Jack Daniel's on the rocks .... sounds so tempting. Too tempting.

Hope your morning is better than mine.

~Jen

I know I haven't blogged since Monday. Not much has changed. We were out of school on Monday for the holiday, so in the remaining four days I have only went to one class. I have intentions on going to both of my classes today though. I hope. I really hope I go.

I'm been feeling really low lately. Its just been a combination of things. I don't like the school that I am at. I don't like my major. I'm not being productive. I'm sick of my fake friends. My real friends have so many issues, that given my recent state, I can't bear to hear them. I haven't been sleeping. I haven't been eating. I haven't been to the gym. I have no money. It is just issue after issue after issue.

The sleep thing has really been bothering me. Like my friend Eb says "when you can't sleep you have real problems." I have real problems. Found out in my Geology class that I have now missed two tests. I have three tests left and if I make a 100 on them I can make a D in the class. I am going to go talk to my teacher today. What do I tell him? I hope he will let me make up the tests. In my Constitutional Law class I missed a quiz last week, but I am so far behind in my work that it will take a shit load of work to catch up. I think I'm pretty good in my Shakespeare class... I hope.

I really wish I could go to sleep. Whenever I try to go to sleep, I just end up thinking about how bad my life is going right now. I think about a lot of things that happened in the past. I think about my goals and my dreams and where I am at in my life. I usually just end up crying. Not just shedding a few tears, but crying rivers. This has been every night. Its so tiring. Its so draining.

As far as the eating thing, I don't know what happened. I am just not hungry. I don't have a taste for anything. Water is about the only thing that I want. Its almost like an involuntary fast.

So as I type this my greatest fears are becoming realized. I am depressed. I took one of those depression tests earlier today. The results: severe clinical depression. Depression, the word sounds so ugly and shameful. Then to add insult to injury, they throw in the words severe and clinical for good measure. Anyways, I finally made an appointment with the school counselor. It has taken me two years to make this appointment. My old roommate went to the counselor and she seemed weird afterward. I think I may be able to handle the visit a little better since I already know that I am depressed.

My greastest fear is that 2 things that I do not wish to happen, will happen. They will ask me about things in my past that I do not and will not answer. And, numero dos, they will try to put me on some medication. I don't look down on anybody who needs meds for their condition, but I fear that too much. The thought of some medicine controlling my mind is scary. My mind is my mind, no matter how fucked up it is.

I've been contemplating telling my mother how I feel and what's really going on with me. I am so tired of lying. If I can work things out with my teachers and it looks like my grades will be okay, I'll tell her everything. If not I'll just wait until I get my grades and then tell her. Probably her greatest fear is knowing that one of her kids isn't normal or isn't following the beaten path. She would be terrified to know that I am depressed. She absolutely wouldn't understand. She would think that I just have "lazy bones", and would give me some speech about not giving up... blah, blah,blah.

She would never understand. Last year I had a similar episode where I wasn't sleeping and I was just so stressed out. I called her at 3am crying and unable to talk. I was freaking out. She just said to "calm down and go to sleep". As if it were that simple," calm down and go to sleep". I wish things were that simple.

I 've got this web weaved and now it feels like that it is slowly but surely coming apart. I feel like I'm running around trying to keep all the pieces up, but they just keep falling down. I am so tired of running, so tired of lying to myself and everyone else.

And then on top of all this mess, my ex called again. I already feel bad enough tonight, I'll talk about him tomorrow.

Have a Goodnight.
Have a Good Morning.
5 days until I go see the counselor. (Wednesday)
Adios

~Jen