I'm preparing to go back to school for the summer in a few days and as usual I'm not excited about it. Time has been kind to me though, since being out of school I have been able to settle down a bit and things at home have died down.
While at home I had to shell out many a graduation gift for "friends" of mine that have jumped the college hurdle. This ultimately led to me having to explain why I wasn't crossing the big stage this May. Needless to say that my "friends" (most of which I hadn't seen since high school) were shocked to find out the honor student I used to be, was no more. With my confession, the picture perfect college careers that most of them had painted seemed to fade almost instantaneously. It seemed that my admission of truth made them feel comfortable to express their own truths.
I almost could not believe what I heard. These "friends" ( I use "friends" because I am really too far removed from these people to actually have a close and meaningful relationship with these people; everything is purely materialistic or perhaps my holding on to a certain nostalgia from the past.) admitted to me all sorts of things, things that quite honestly were none of my business. I found out that one "friend" had an abortion. Another one is marrying her boyfriend only out of security. Another "friend" is only pretending to graduate ... whatever that means.
I've been reading a lot lately and given my previous state of chaos, I came to this big realization. My grandmother always told me that things don't have to be what they seem. I never doubted this, but now more than ever I know what she means.
As applied to my life, I think that I have always tried to make things be something that they are not. I have always tried to create the perfect picture and it worked for so long. Just recently, everything became undone and I, being used to "perfect" became undone as well. I've been looking to place blame somewhere else, when blame should have been placed on me. I control my life and while trying to create this perfect image, I lost control and relied on something that wasn't real.
I always tried to be this bookworm student, and now I've just realized thats not who I am. I'm creative, a free-spirit and for so long I've restrained those feelings into being something else. I pushed myself in a direction that isn't me and thats what has made me so unhappy. I'm not a suit and tie, 9 to 5 kinda gal, but here I am studying to be a lawyer, it just doesn't make sense. I put the blame on not being happy with the school I was at, in reality I wasn't happy with the path that I was on. I've decided though, that I won't quit school, I've earned my degree and its been one expensive lesson on listening to what my heart tells me.
Then this realization got me to thinking about my love life (or lack of one).
I always wanted my parents to be perfect, I think I might have been brainwashed by the Cosby Show. My parents aren't perfect. The are great on their own, but together they just don't work. My father had an affair with another woman, this was before I was even born. I didn't find out until I was like 9 or 10, and even then I didn't want to believe it because it broke my perfect picture. It was hard to deny because out of it I found out that I had a new brother. It was hard to realize that my dad isn't the perfect guy. And then once I heard a conversation that I wasn't supposed to hear, my mom was telling one of her friends on the phone that she would leave my dad if it weren't for me or my sister. At this time, my sister was 16 or 17 so she wasn't home a lot, but I was like 10 and thats when I just tried to be perfect. I had to hold my family together and I've been trying to ever since.
This got me to thinking about the guy that I had that one night stand with last week. He's older than me, by like 10 years (he's 31) and I met him when I was 14. I made a very crucial mistake back then. I fell in love with him. My first love was a 24 year old college student. Even then though I wasn't stupid, I knew what I was doing. I was in love with the idea; all the sneaking out and all the great stories that it provided. All my friends were jealous. This guy though is an asshole, so cocky and arrogant, but without him I was just like every other girl. He made me standout. He made me feel special and I thought he was special,so I thought that this is what love is. Everything was so one sided though. It was all about him, to him I was disposable. I always wanted to believe that he loved me. I thought that we would end up like Carrie and Big on Sex and the City. I always knew that things would end up like a fairytale. Why? Because that would make my picture perfect. It would make all the times that we both used each other okay. So yesterday, I find out that after I had this one night stand with this guy, his picture is already complete. Whatever hope, even if subconsciously, has been shattered because I found out that he is married. He called me today, said he got tickets for me to fly and see him in Jaimaica. He wants me to be his mistress. Part of me wants to, really wants to. This brings me back to my parents; I was willing to believe that they would work, so I was willing to believe that this would work as well. I've always known that it hasn't and it won't.
So its late and I've went on and on forever, and after thinking about it all I guess my biggest realization is that if you are willing to believe a lie you are willing to live it as well. Maybe its not the things or people that have made me unhappy, but the lies (and there are so many of them) that I've been willing to except and perpetuate that have caught up to me. I guess its time to start telling the truth and seeking it as well.
~Jen
